New Delhi

Some notes from my first day...1/23/07

5:04 am:
Plane boarding. Feeling all these emotions welling up in me. I don't think excitement, more like bittersweetness and it hurts my throat. Living with Nani in Delhi has been a dream for so long and now here I am three hours away from it and... I'm scared and wondrous. Is this really happening? Am I actually really doing this??

6:33 am:
HOLY SHIT. It just struck me, I don't have any friends in Delhi. They're all in NYC or in other parts of the globe. And I don't have a job. Oh boy. Is this a mistake? Just going to breathe deep and sip my orange juice from this very very small glass.

7:41 am:
We're landing. Person beside me has window down... Delhi looks very small, aren't there any high buildings? This truly feels unreal. I'm looking out the window and I feel nothing, like looking at chopped liver. I remember when Dadoo was alive this was my favorite part of the journey. I'd look out and Delhi would be all these tiny lights like jewels and I'd have to hug myself to stop from squealing with excitement. Wow. Things change.

7:58 am:
Ok, now the tears are coming, nose is leaking. Why am I crying? Relief or sorrow or both? Have no idea.

2:15 pm:
Mama is driving me crazy. I'm glad she's here to help me settle in...but geez. She's not giving me a second to process anything. We've been doing all these boring jobs straight from the airport. Haven't even had a chance to call Nani. I feel like a 14-year-old (make that seven) who wants to stamp her feet and throw a tantrum. Instead, I'm sitting here in this stupid bank sulking and writing in my diary while mama is having a circular and completely pointless conversation with the bank manager that goes something like this:

Mama- We'd like to open an account for my daughter?
Manager- Sure ma'am. We'll need proof of residence.
Mama- Here's her passport.
Manager- That's not sufficient ma'am. Do you have an electricity bill? A phone bill?
Mama- She just moved to the country this morning. She doesn't have a phone yet. She's not even moved into her apartment. Will a rental lease do?
Mananger- No ma'am. We need proof of residence... An electricity bill? A phone bill?
Mama- Look, to get the telephone setup they said she needs proof of residence, like a bank account. So how do you suggest we do this? This is a chicken and egg story... ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.
Manager- I'm sorry ma'am. We need proof of residence.
Mama- Here's her passport. It says she's Indian...
Manager- That's not sufficient ma'am... (and repeat whole conversation again at least 4 times)

4:35 pm:
Saw apartment. Very dusty. Lots of daddy long-leg spiders and one small lizard. Lots of windows, also a nice gym nearby. Thank God. Why is everything feeling so unreal?

6:37 pm:
Drove by the road that leads to Vasant Vihar street and where Dadoo used to live. Gave me a jolt to see something so familiar out of the car window. Shut my eyes tight till we passed. I'm such a baby.

6:52 pm:
This is not the Delhi I spent my summers and winters in with Dadoo. I want to turn the car around and go back to NYC. I think this is a huge mistake. Feeling very uneasy, hard to breathe.

8:47 pm:
We're back at mama and papa's farm house. Staying here till apartment is set-up. Had a warm shower. Just talked to Nani. She sounds really excited. Cheered me up hearing from her. I'm so tired. Think I'll send some emails and then crash.

1:49 am (part of an email to a good friend):
"Just got back to Delhi. Being here is strange. It's like all my old memories and feelings were for another Delhi, and this Delhi is an entirely clean slate. For the first time in my life I don't know how to feel because I truly don't know what to expect."